adjusting to change-grief

Adjusting to grief is difficult. I never knew I could cry the way I did when making the decision to do what is best for Chloe. I cried so much to my father asking him to retrieve Chloe's collar, and to say good bye to her, for me. I was in a poor state to make a Lyft trip over there. The vet doctors understood my position, and so my father went. 

There is much anticipation of what comes next? 

Eventually I had found out....

Grief will elevate your heart rate, and it will ultimately send you into a panic attack. 

Its the adjustment of loss, and you can never be prepared for it. Because its like a part of your heart, being taken away from you. Adjusting....oh how that has been hard.

• Getting use to her not being there anymore. The spaces she normally takes up, are now empty. 

• The way she would follow me everywhere and anywhere. 

• She slept with me always, how she always climbed her little stairs to be next to me. 

• We would wake up and head into the living room together. 

•  Her comforting me when I was anxious.

In time, I will come a custom to her not being there anymore, its like... "settling". When it comes to grief, you never truly get over it. You know an important part of you is gone, and missing. Yet something I learned from others who lost their furbabies... is that they are never really gone, they always live within you.

I think that is why to me, Chloe represents hope 🌈

When I first got her, it was an after rain type of day. Where, the grounds were damp, and the rainbow was casted amoungst the clouds. I remember I was on a mission to find a companion, and was ready to open my heart up to a precious animal. I had recently, lost one of my doggies, named Mona Lisa...and I thought.... yeah I am ready to try again. 

There she was in the kennels, by her lonesome self-it just clicked to how much I loved her! She came up the fence, very excited with wagging tail, and much anticipation. I was allowed to bond with her in the playground, and she was open to me instantly! I had waited two hours, because "First come, first serve" were the rules to adopting pets with holds on them. She had two holds, and I thought why wouldn't she? She is extremely adorable, 3 months old, and super cute. The two hours passed up, and I was allowed to adopt her-as her previous holds did not show up.

That's when I had taken her home, and that's when we began our little adventures.

I had her since I first started Walmart, so there was a lot of sentimental attachments. As she was the very thing that helped me get through the toiling 40 hours, and coming home tired from work as a stocker, then later in those years as a dispenser. I could always count on her to be there, waiting for me to get home, and we would snuggle right into bed. 

It will take some time alright, because our routines are now no more. 

I hope when my time comes, I can be greeted by her...at least its a comforting thought to think of. 

Until then, I will try my best to over come such difficult emotions. I know I can do this, I have to.