Ode to the Moonlit Self 🌙 [soft spoken pages]

You shouldn't have to apologize for how your life is, because that's the way the cards are dealt to you. And still, I rise with the stars, making the most of the hand I’ve been given.

⋆⊱༻𖥸༺⊰⋆

What does matter is the pace you keep, that is still courage.

I remind myself that courage isn't always these dramatic acts of acrobats, for it is just often waking up to hydrate, get started in your day, pay your bills/rent etc.

Getting into where this is going? 🌌

I am like the majority of people that exist in this lifetime, that just wants to find their person. To continue to grow within oneself, to set firmer boundaries, to avoid problematic people. Maybe find new friendly faces, those long-term friendships in addition to my garden of flowers 🌼

Loneliness doesn’t mean I’m alone; it simply means I respect the boundaries of those I care about.

This feeling just calls for patience, self-love, and persistence, embracing gentleness in seeking new connections or rekindling the ones I’ve had within myself. It’s not easy to believe I’m worth more than I already think I am. I’ve tried so many times to put myself out there.

Many people are open about their pain, isolation, or sadness. Meanwhile, I keep mine private, sharing what I go through only with a trusted few. Maybe sometimes, I too will isolate, because I overwhelm myself.

I will always be enough.

I know myself...

I am loving, giving, attentive.

I am paragraphs, I love to share, I remember your favorite things.

I understand in this life, that some people are not meant to stay in your life. My unhappiness will always be consistent so long as I kept people in my life that reminded me that I was trying too hard. If we are to struggle in life, let it only be the things we cannot control... but our social circles? We can control those. When you get my age, you grow intolerance to unnecessary things.

Sharing even the tough stuff is an important part of any relationship. It can help you grow closer, build understanding, and set clear boundaries. Unfortunately, in the past, the people I dealt with often created unsafe spaces, dismissed me as overly sensitive, or made me feel like it was all just in my head.Yet, when they had a problem, I had no choice but to do the usual thing-listen and nurture their spaces. As you can see, these are not safe spaces, and that’s why recognizing your self-worth and identifying problematic people is so important.

In conclusion,

I’m grateful for the friendships I’ve cherished for years and for the close friends who understand my deepest struggles.

I like to form new bonds by getting to know someone at a slow, steady pace and seeing where it naturally leads. Whatever stays will stay—either way is fine with me. I don’t want anything that’s not meant for me to be forced to remain.

"Maybe you don't need more time to heal, maybe you need more experiences that show your nervous system a different reality."

Looking ahead (diary)

 A lot happened over the weekend. I’m feeling better and learned from three diagnostic tests at the ER that things could get worse if I don’t take action. So, I’m changing my diet and pushing myself to exercise more. I used to walk the fields all the time, but depression got the best of me—and I let it win.

I can get back on track.

Gallbladder 2mm stone, bone spurs (lower back arthritis), and fatty liver. I honestly, did this to myself (maybe not the bone spurs I am sure that was from retail). 

I am cooking more, I am stretching more, deep breaths! And, conscious of my breathing (stress = hyperventilation = c02 build up). 

I am going plant based 🫑🥬🥦temporarily, until I reduce inflammation. Then, will opt to vegetarian with only the goal to put fish 🐟 back into my diet. I do not care for dairy that much, because I am also lactose now. My gut will bloat, and I will have a painful flare up.

Here's the take:

• Stress can place well, STRESS on your body.
• Do not fast longer than 16 hrs, or intentionally starve yourself thinking "Oh I am overweight, I can do it." It puts damage on your liver!
• Do not entertain people that stress you out.

I learned a few things during my time in the ER and did my own research. Big pharma often pushes surgery and medication for issues that can be healed holistically. Medication or surgery should only be necessary when the body has gone beyond just struggling and entered more severe stages of damage. That’s why I want to take this approach for myself to avoid all those pharmaceuticals.

I can do this.

To be alright (diary)

 

To be Alright by Aurora

"I want to feel it, to feel it. I don't want to fight, I just want to feel alright."

There is a lot of strife in my life right now, and I long to feel alright. I want to start living my life and not survive in life. 

I am always thankful for the things in my life now, but I know deep in my heart I cannot live this way. It reminds me of that movie, "Grave of the fireflies." produced by Studio Ghibli. Kenta, was staying at his mean-spirited aunts, and he had done everything he can to provide for himself as well as his sister. I remember particularly thinking, "If Kenta, just stayed with his aunt, he would have lived." But I also get it, sometimes you feel you can do so much better out of a toxic household. It's a risky choice to make, like is it your forever home? Will it work out? And so, I lived with my parents for a long time, because they needed me. But perhaps, I need to do what is best for me. And it's scary because I have nothing to my name and it's just a pipe dream. I know that I will need a job. I will need a place where I trust the individuals living there, but I have no idea where that is. So I have just been coasting the waves here, and trying my best.

I would often revisit what I am thankful for:

• Thank you for this bed, that I sleep in.
• Thank you for the food, I come across to eat, and the water that is provided.
• Thank you for the couple of friends that are there for me, in my time of need.
• Thank you, for these devices I can get lost in. All of these devices were donated by friends, because I do not have money to buy me nice things anymore. 

These are all things I think about, and I try not to gaslight myself either by saying it could be worse; however, it can be worse, and I think about that all the time. But I am also tired of telling myself that, because I feel like I am just trying to convince myself, that what I go through is okay. It is not. But I do.

I hope in time I will find opportunities in what to do for myself, for now I am trying to keep an eye out for anything, any sign, while trying to maintain destressing methods. I go out for some sunlight, I hop on the treadmill, and I try to stay connected to others. I just go where I flow.