Believing in "Over the hills"

 

Aurora- The Seed

"Suffocate me, so my tears can be rain

I will water the ground where I stand, So that the flowers can grow back again...

Feed me sunlight, feed me air Feed me truth and feed me prayers Feed me sunlight, feed me air

Feed me truth and feed me prayers..."

I think about the "over the hills" saying. That feeling where you are trapped in a bleak environment, but you hear about the wonderful things over the hills. Now I seen enough suspense horror flicks, where if you actually reach over the hills, there is nothing there. Just more destruction. However, I read enough poetry, and story books of hope where the metaphor is when you reach over the hills, there is a new green pasture waiting for you to cultivate. 

Parents always have this way of doubling back down on things they say. For example, when I have an idea of what I want to do with my life, and a place where I can start new. They double down saying things like, "Why help out another family?"

Why? Because I need to move out of my parents' house. Everyone is always telling me that. AND, I will be paying my share of rent. Yet that makes them upset, because they feel "You can pay rent here, you just need to follow our rules." But their rules consist of the parental flavor, and I am tired of living in their web. I am not a child, and they certainly do not treat me like an adult. And when they tell me, "Want to be an adult? Get your own place." And when I present them a place, I can be a roommate with, its STILL not good enough to them, they say "Oh help THAT family?" At this point, I am willing to accept, maybe my parents are narcissistic. And, it's not their fault, they have their own family trauma, that they never worked out. But in the end of the day, they do not take accountability. I feel like my mother is the only parent, that leans into more accountability. But she also, goes back to her old ways. 

I wanted to be free of them, and what they think is a normal functional family. Afterall, my dad once told me, "Family hurts each other, there is no such thing as apologies. You just wake up the next day, and take it some more. Then move on."

I for one, is tired of it. I deserve to be in an enviroment, where its not constant slamming doors, yelling, self-depreciating, threats, just words that hurt like a knife. I always thought at this age, nothing would hurt me, but I also have to be open with myself and admit things still do hurt. Not because what is being said, I am kind of over that. I think its just the fact, I keep taking the hits. And I am tired of being a door mat."

I do not know if I can officially move out of my parents home. Its a "limbo" right now. If I move far I would need a job there, so I can start my life new. I dont want to be irresponsible and just grab my backpack 'n go. 

I guess all I can do now is see what opportunities arise. 

Dearest moon;

 To gaze upon the sky,

a tear among the stars.

How lovely it must be to shine,

to share a single light.

The moon must dance with stars,

so all may hold the night.

Dearest moon,

you hold my secrets,

all my sorrow and my want.

Why do I seek you in the dark?

Can I become as one with you,

and join the stars that gleam?

Let us hold hands and dance,

a brilliant, shared dream.

My reason on the earth

fades as your time in the sky,

this window pane so familiar,

its dusty edges meet my eye.

I fixate on the mold,

festering in the deepest corners,

as my yearning grows

like a wound that needs a healer.

May my body heal

Your blood by Aurora

“Do you feel it travel in and out your heart?Needles, stitching up the big holes

You prepared 1for battle, as you fell apart?

...I refuse to die”

There is so much tension in my body. The stiffness in my hands, how my upper back aches, my jaw clenches. I try my best to be aware of my posture, how I store my stress, and the way I clench myself as if I am bracing for an assault. Perhaps that is just the cons of being a care giver, there is so much strife. 

I must find my way, and hope the next time we talk I have good news. Not, the woes of someone who has fallen, and is lost. Despite the “horrors” I still persist. I always show my best self, and whenever I don’t feel at my best-I know how to express myself, in a delicate matter in need of a word or assistance.

My body is going through a lot of trauma. Some days I feel okay, then some days I feel stiff as a board. Aches everywhere, pains, tension. So I would lay down, and try to deep breathe. Lately, Aurora’s songs are a nice consoling song that uplifts one up. 

I pray for healing, I pray to my find my way in life. 

To be alright

 

To be Alright by Aurora

"I want to feel it, to feel it. I don't want to fight, I just want to feel alright."

There is a lot of strife in my life right now, and I long to feel alright. I want to start living my life and not survive in life. 

I am always thankful for the things in my life now, but I know deep in my heart I cannot live this way. It reminds me of that movie, "Grave of the fireflies." produced by Studio Ghibli. Kenta, was staying at his mean-spirited aunts, and he had done everything he can to provide for himself as well as his sister. I remember particularly thinking, "If Kenta, just stayed with his aunt, he would have lived." But I also get it, sometimes you feel you can do so much better out of a toxic household. It's a risky choice to make, like is it your forever home? Will it work out? And so, I lived with my parents for a long time, because they needed me. But perhaps, I need to do what is best for me. And it's scary because I have nothing to my name and it's just a pipe dream. I know that I will need a job. I will need a place where I trust the individuals living there, but I have no idea where that is. So I have just been coasting the waves here, and trying my best.

I would often revisit what I am thankful for:

• Thank you for this bed, that I sleep in.
• Thank you for the food, I come across to eat, and the water that is provided.
• Thank you for the couple of friends that are there for me, in my time of need.
• Thank you, for these devices I can get lost in. All of these devices were donated by friends, because I do not have money to buy me nice things anymore. 

These are all things I think about, and I try not to gaslight myself either by saying it could be worse; however, it can be worse, and I think about that all the time. But I am also tired of telling myself that, because I feel like I am just trying to convince myself, that what I go through is okay. It is not. But I do.

I hope in time I will find opportunities in what to do for myself, for now I am trying to keep an eye out for anything, any sign, while trying to maintain destressing methods. I go out for some sunlight, I hop on the treadmill, and I try to stay connected to others. I just go where I flow.