Dearest moon;

 To gaze upon the sky,

a tear among the stars.

How lovely it must be to shine,

to share a single light.

The moon must dance with stars,

so all may hold the night.

Dearest moon,

you hold my secrets,

all my sorrow and my want.

Why do I seek you in the dark?

Can I become as one with you,

and join the stars that gleam?

Let us hold hands and dance,

a brilliant, shared dream.

My reason on the earth

fades as your time in the sky,

this window pane so familiar,

its dusty edges meet my eye.

I fixate on the mold,

festering in the deepest corners,

as my yearning grows

like a wound that needs a healer.

To be alright (diary)

 

To be Alright by Aurora

"I want to feel it, to feel it. I don't want to fight, I just want to feel alright."

There is a lot of strife in my life right now, and I long to feel alright. I want to start living my life and not survive in life. 

I am always thankful for the things in my life now, but I know deep in my heart I cannot live this way. It reminds me of that movie, "Grave of the fireflies." produced by Studio Ghibli. Kenta, was staying at his mean-spirited aunts, and he had done everything he can to provide for himself as well as his sister. I remember particularly thinking, "If Kenta, just stayed with his aunt, he would have lived." But I also get it, sometimes you feel you can do so much better out of a toxic household. It's a risky choice to make, like is it your forever home? Will it work out? And so, I lived with my parents for a long time, because they needed me. But perhaps, I need to do what is best for me. And it's scary because I have nothing to my name and it's just a pipe dream. I know that I will need a job. I will need a place where I trust the individuals living there, but I have no idea where that is. So I have just been coasting the waves here, and trying my best.

I would often revisit what I am thankful for:

• Thank you for this bed, that I sleep in.
• Thank you for the food, I come across to eat, and the water that is provided.
• Thank you for the couple of friends that are there for me, in my time of need.
• Thank you, for these devices I can get lost in. All of these devices were donated by friends, because I do not have money to buy me nice things anymore. 

These are all things I think about, and I try not to gaslight myself either by saying it could be worse; however, it can be worse, and I think about that all the time. But I am also tired of telling myself that, because I feel like I am just trying to convince myself, that what I go through is okay. It is not. But I do.

I hope in time I will find opportunities in what to do for myself, for now I am trying to keep an eye out for anything, any sign, while trying to maintain destressing methods. I go out for some sunlight, I hop on the treadmill, and I try to stay connected to others. I just go where I flow.