Always checking in-healthy reflection!

Lots of people talk about reflection, and the kind of reflection that I often like to do is to keep myself “in check”. I say that with a humble chuckle, in the back of my mind, because it sure is challenging to keep myself from spiraling into those intrusive thoughts! 😅

As you may know dear reader, I suffer from severe depression.

🌿 When Your World Quietly Shrinks

There was a time when my anxiety felt… manageable. Not pleasant, not easy, but familiar — like background noise I’d learned to live with. Half my life was spent navigating generalized anxiety, and even with a diagnosis, I still found ways to move through the world.

But things shifted after I lost my job at Walmart.

It wasn’t just the paycheck or the routine that disappeared. It was the constant hum of human contact — the small talk at the registers, the coworkers you nod to in the break room, the customers who remind you that the world is bigger than your living room. I didn’t realize how much those tiny interactions kept me tethered until they were gone.

Working from home should have felt like a break, but instead it became a kind of quiet collapse. My social world didn’t vanish overnight; it just slowly thinned out, like a plant that stopped getting sunlight. Days blurred together. Conversations dwindled. And the anxiety that once had outlets — movement, noise, people — suddenly had nowhere to go.

It’s strange how isolation sneaks up on you. One day you’re fine, and the next you’re wondering when your life got so small.

Losing that job didn’t just change my schedule. It changed the shape of my days, the rhythm of my thoughts, and the way I connect with the world. And I’m still learning how to rebuild from that — gently, intentionally, and without blaming myself for being human in a season that demanded too much silence.

Where do, I go from here?

 Caregiving is meaningful, but it can also be consuming. And when your home becomes your workplace, your sanctuary, and your duty station all at once, it’s easy to forget that you’re allowed to step outside of it.

But here’s the thing I keep reminding myself: There is always a door.

A door, that I am not quite fond of. I somehow became desensitized to the outside world, including my own personal spaces. Perhaps that is depression in a nutshell, and the irony saying that as if I am not familiar with depressions grip. 

I know depression well. I know how it can make me feel isolated from the world, even from the spaces that once felt safe. But that’s the thing — depression makes me feel like I don’t have a safe space at all, not even among the people I consider close to me. Maybe it’s because depression convinces me that I’m completely alone. That no one is coming to find me in this deep hole in the ground.

Ever seen Maid? Yeah — that hole. That’s where I am. 

It’s dark. It’s cold. And the voices above me are muffled, like they’re coming from another world. My body feels paralyzed. I try to move, to reach out, to engage with others, but all I manage is the smallest motion. It’s like I’m trapped inside this body, this brain that feels void of life, functioning only on the bare chemical processes that keep me alive.

Breathe you out

 

"We were driving along

But it felt like I was alone

Cause you and I weren't right

You can cut me out with a knife."

Breathe you out by Killa Kawaii

🌿 Healing isn’t always about staying—it’s about discerning

It’s the moment you realize that peace isn’t found in fixing what keeps breaking you. That walking away isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom. It’s choosing yourself, your breath, your boundaries.

Healing takes immense courage, and it's a journey that never truly ends. There will be moments when you're tested, especially online, where I often look for a sense of community and meet different kinds of people. Sometimes, you come across others who also seek connection, but more often than not, building these connections comes with complications.

For instance, there are many broken individuals online, some of whom might benefit from therapy—and I say that with the utmost sincerity. In my experience, some people struggle to trust me when getting to know them, yet they openly shower others with affection. It can feel like rejection, even in small ways, when I'm not seen as a trusted companion while others are embraced fully. But then I realize it's not rejection; it's their own personal struggles as they figure out what they truly want.

Isn't it complicated, though, when you're constantly trying to show others that you genuinely have their best interests at heart? As someone also seeking connection, you put in effort to nurture these bonds, only to feel stuck when there's no effort or clear path to deepen the relationship.

I find it helpful to reaffirm yourself and your connection with the person when seeking clarity:

1. Is there something we can do for each other, to strengthen this bond?
2. What are some steps you can take to practice a healthy and safe space?
3. If there are no solutions and only a "halt," you might have to walk away from something that isn't growing.

By pushing yourself to get closer to someone and offering them a connection, you might actually achieve that. Walking away from someone is never easy, especially when no one has done anything inherently wrong. But in this lifetime, there are moments when some people need more healing rather than forming new bonds.

It my personal opinion, at least.

Because what happens when someone tries to create more bonds, while at the same time being rather cautious—it will end up causing a burn out for the other person constantly trying to reach out. 

In my experiences, it always felt like I was chasing relationships during that time, and I never want to do that again. It seemed like either they enjoyed me chasing them, keeping me at arm's length, or they simply weren't ready to connect. It felt selfish that they wanted me in their life as a close friend but always kept me at a certain distance, never letting me get closer than what they preferred or could handle. I realized, not everyone is going to want to be there for me the same way I am there for them.

So when it came to healing, I swore to myself I was never going to allow anyone to bring me back to a sense of worthlessness. 

By helping myself out, I would always make sure I communicated how I felt and offered any type of solution to help both people. If it felt, like they still wanted me at an arm's length, I swore I was just going to back off. Because by trying, and trying, it is ultimately toxic. I have no interest, in one-sided friendship. 

I respect when someone needs time away or just time in general, but it doesn’t feel fair to expect a certain level of friendship while only giving crumbs in return. That just doesn’t sit right with me. Of course, I understand there are situations where someone is struggling and needs a listener, but life is about more than just struggles. Having regular conversations with someone is such a joy, and sometimes it feels like people let their struggles define their entire personality. Why can’t we talk about anything other than how the other person is feeling? As a friend or partner, I can only do so much. I often wish people like that would consider speaking with a professional. To develop tools, skills, to cope, and reach beyond the scope of their feelings, but to turn those feelings into progress. 

I do not speak lightly of this either! I had been there, I truly have. I was always self-loathsome, and self-depreciating. My twenties were ugly. But I knew the only way things were going to change, is if I gave more chances. 

Not in the way, where you constantly hand them out. Just in the aspect, where you have to just flow with people. Because in time, you will see exactly what people are. 

Over time, you get better at managing yourself, and dealing with others becomes easier. I avoid getting involved in any drama and simply leave messages on read until someone is ready to communicate more clearly. Assumptions are frustrating, and over time I’ve realized that some people have a hard time managing their insecurities. I give myself the clarity to walk away and avoid dealing with those kinds of situations altogether.

In the end, I am doing what is necessary to stack up my healing cards, and at this age I should hope everyone else graces themselves doing the same.