Lots of people talk about reflection, and the kind of reflection that I often like to do is to keep myself “in check”. I say that with a humble chuckle, in the back of my mind, because it sure is challenging to keep myself from spiraling into those intrusive thoughts! π
As you may know dear reader, I suffer from severe depression.
πΏ When Your World Quietly Shrinks
There was a time when my anxiety felt… manageable. Not pleasant, not easy, but familiar — like background noise I’d learned to live with. Half my life was spent navigating generalized anxiety, and even with a diagnosis, I still found ways to move through the world.
But things shifted after I lost my job at Walmart.
It wasn’t just the paycheck or the routine that disappeared. It was the constant hum of human contact — the small talk at the registers, the coworkers you nod to in the break room, the customers who remind you that the world is bigger than your living room. I didn’t realize how much those tiny interactions kept me tethered until they were gone.
Working from home should have felt like a break, but instead it became a kind of quiet collapse. My social world didn’t vanish overnight; it just slowly thinned out, like a plant that stopped getting sunlight. Days blurred together. Conversations dwindled. And the anxiety that once had outlets — movement, noise, people — suddenly had nowhere to go.
It’s strange how isolation sneaks up on you. One day you’re fine, and the next you’re wondering when your life got so small.
Losing that job didn’t just change my schedule. It changed the shape of my days, the rhythm of my thoughts, and the way I connect with the world. And I’m still learning how to rebuild from that — gently, intentionally, and without blaming myself for being human in a season that demanded too much silence.
Diving deeper...
Somehow, I always believed I’d be okay, and I am—truly, I can’t say otherwise. Life is definitely a struggle, and being at home comes with a lot of unhealthy family dysfunction, but there’s not much I can do about it. I’ve made it a point to set small goals, stack them, and build a routine for myself. So far, I’ve enjoyed stepping outside for short walks, and when it’s too hot, I opt for the treadmill instead.
Not all is lost, I am here after all. All I can do is keep my progress, and brainstorm things I can do to create my new future.