Looking ahead (diary)

 A lot happened over the weekend. I’m feeling better and learned from three diagnostic tests at the ER that things could get worse if I don’t take action. So, I’m changing my diet and pushing myself to exercise more. I used to walk the fields all the time, but depression got the best of me—and I let it win.

I can get back on track.

Gallbladder 2mm stone, bone spurs (lower back arthritis), and fatty liver. I honestly, did this to myself (maybe not the bone spurs I am sure that was from retail). 

I am cooking more, I am stretching more, deep breaths! And, conscious of my breathing (stress = hyperventilation = c02 build up). 

I am going plant based 🫑🥬🥦temporarily, until I reduce inflammation. Then, will opt to vegetarian with only the goal to put fish 🐟 back into my diet. I do not care for dairy that much, because I am also lactose now. My gut will bloat, and I will have a painful flare up.

Here's the take:

• Stress can place well, STRESS on your body.
• Do not fast longer than 16 hrs, or intentionally starve yourself thinking "Oh I am overweight, I can do it." It puts damage on your liver!
• Do not entertain people that stress you out.

I learned a few things during my time in the ER and did my own research. Big pharma often pushes surgery and medication for issues that can be healed holistically. Medication or surgery should only be necessary when the body has gone beyond just struggling and entered more severe stages of damage. That’s why I want to take this approach for myself to avoid all those pharmaceuticals.

I can do this.

Manifesting Karma

 Karma always meant "what comes around goes around" in the usual everyday launguage amongst conversations. But the true mechanism of karma is the ✨️concept✨️ of which we understand, absorb, and practice. 

We speak about freedom, equality, being open-minded, etc. But do we really adhere to such concepts? For example, you can say you support open communication, but are you really doing that? And what is karma? We tend to feel more isolated or misunderstood or ( as if ) no one understands. This is interesting karma. We want the concept of what we understand. We want to absorb it's benefits but we sometimes forget to practice. 

Karma isn't easy. Lots of us want to practice what is good for us and want what is best for us. And often, those things like isolating or hanging back from having engagement can be beneficial. In isolation, I can recharge. Such is the notion of someone who connects spiritually to the creation of freedom in their personal interests or hobbies.

 Also, if you are the type to recharge by being around people, socializing-that will be your outlet. 

There is no wrong way to spend the time you choose. It is your energy. You must refill and expend it as you feel.Karma isn't discipline, nor is it ever punishment. It is the art of focusing energy 

✨️ Manifestation is lovely when we can water the parts of us that are suffering and highlight the parts of us that are blessed. 

Ultimately, it is freedom 💖 it is boundaries for yourself. Which path are you choosing? 

What kind of person do you want to be? 

🪷The karma we hear about is simply the creation of what we practice. Using the energies to enhance our experiences🪷

Dearest moon;

 To gaze upon the sky,

a tear among the stars.

How lovely it must be to shine,

to share a single light.

The moon must dance with stars,

so all may hold the night.

Dearest moon,

you hold my secrets,

all my sorrow and my want.

Why do I seek you in the dark?

Can I become as one with you,

and join the stars that gleam?

Let us hold hands and dance,

a brilliant, shared dream.

My reason on the earth

fades as your time in the sky,

this window pane so familiar,

its dusty edges meet my eye.

I fixate on the mold,

festering in the deepest corners,

as my yearning grows

like a wound that needs a healer.

To be alright (diary)

 

To be Alright by Aurora

"I want to feel it, to feel it. I don't want to fight, I just want to feel alright."

There is a lot of strife in my life right now, and I long to feel alright. I want to start living my life and not survive in life. 

I am always thankful for the things in my life now, but I know deep in my heart I cannot live this way. It reminds me of that movie, "Grave of the fireflies." produced by Studio Ghibli. Kenta, was staying at his mean-spirited aunts, and he had done everything he can to provide for himself as well as his sister. I remember particularly thinking, "If Kenta, just stayed with his aunt, he would have lived." But I also get it, sometimes you feel you can do so much better out of a toxic household. It's a risky choice to make, like is it your forever home? Will it work out? And so, I lived with my parents for a long time, because they needed me. But perhaps, I need to do what is best for me. And it's scary because I have nothing to my name and it's just a pipe dream. I know that I will need a job. I will need a place where I trust the individuals living there, but I have no idea where that is. So I have just been coasting the waves here, and trying my best.

I would often revisit what I am thankful for:

• Thank you for this bed, that I sleep in.
• Thank you for the food, I come across to eat, and the water that is provided.
• Thank you for the couple of friends that are there for me, in my time of need.
• Thank you, for these devices I can get lost in. All of these devices were donated by friends, because I do not have money to buy me nice things anymore. 

These are all things I think about, and I try not to gaslight myself either by saying it could be worse; however, it can be worse, and I think about that all the time. But I am also tired of telling myself that, because I feel like I am just trying to convince myself, that what I go through is okay. It is not. But I do.

I hope in time I will find opportunities in what to do for myself, for now I am trying to keep an eye out for anything, any sign, while trying to maintain destressing methods. I go out for some sunlight, I hop on the treadmill, and I try to stay connected to others. I just go where I flow.