Dearest moon;

 To gaze upon the sky,

a tear among the stars.

How lovely it must be to shine,

to share a single light.

The moon must dance with stars,

so all may hold the night.

Dearest moon,

you hold my secrets,

all my sorrow and my want.

Why do I seek you in the dark?

Can I become as one with you,

and join the stars that gleam?

Let us hold hands and dance,

a brilliant, shared dream.

My reason on the earth

fades as your time in the sky,

this window pane so familiar,

its dusty edges meet my eye.

I fixate on the mold,

festering in the deepest corners,

as my yearning grows

like a wound that needs a healer.

To be alright (diary)

 

To be Alright by Aurora

"I want to feel it, to feel it. I don't want to fight, I just want to feel alright."

There is a lot of strife in my life right now, and I long to feel alright. I want to start living my life and not survive in life. 

I am always thankful for the things in my life now, but I know deep in my heart I cannot live this way. It reminds me of that movie, "Grave of the fireflies." produced by Studio Ghibli. Kenta, was staying at his mean-spirited aunts, and he had done everything he can to provide for himself as well as his sister. I remember particularly thinking, "If Kenta, just stayed with his aunt, he would have lived." But I also get it, sometimes you feel you can do so much better out of a toxic household. It's a risky choice to make, like is it your forever home? Will it work out? And so, I lived with my parents for a long time, because they needed me. But perhaps, I need to do what is best for me. And it's scary because I have nothing to my name and it's just a pipe dream. I know that I will need a job. I will need a place where I trust the individuals living there, but I have no idea where that is. So I have just been coasting the waves here, and trying my best.

I would often revisit what I am thankful for:

• Thank you for this bed, that I sleep in.
• Thank you for the food, I come across to eat, and the water that is provided.
• Thank you for the couple of friends that are there for me, in my time of need.
• Thank you, for these devices I can get lost in. All of these devices were donated by friends, because I do not have money to buy me nice things anymore. 

These are all things I think about, and I try not to gaslight myself either by saying it could be worse; however, it can be worse, and I think about that all the time. But I am also tired of telling myself that, because I feel like I am just trying to convince myself, that what I go through is okay. It is not. But I do.

I hope in time I will find opportunities in what to do for myself, for now I am trying to keep an eye out for anything, any sign, while trying to maintain destressing methods. I go out for some sunlight, I hop on the treadmill, and I try to stay connected to others. I just go where I flow. 

dear diary;

Diary, you hold the unshed tears

and every word vomit that escapes me,

a frantic prayer for disclosure.

There is no solution, I know,

but to speak what you feel into being,

what a wondrous, terrifying relief.

We thrive on this release, I think,

yet reclusion offers its own solace—

a quiet space to untangle sorrow,

to hold it close, to let it live.

Yesterday, I felt the floodwaters rise,

the sting of tears,

and shut the gates tight.

Later, a strange anxiety washed over me,

a query into my own existence.

It was then I knew:

I had to feel my own feelings.

As the eldest, I learned to be stone,

the glue, the strong one.

I listened to every woe

while mine remained unspoken.

When the world bled, I was a quiet witness,

a problem-solver,

a map of escape.

Perhaps this is my burden, my lore—

the nurturer in need of nurturing,

the child who outran her own childhood.

Still, I know I will be okay.

I have lived in a place

where love was just a word,

and hope, a relic from the trenches.

Where the flowers bloom

Some days, she is fierce and can move mountains. She is unstoppable, climbing the unknown. With gentleness, descending slowly with confidence and pace. 

Yet some days, she is a storm bracing for waves that will push against her. Sailing a treacherous force that will pull her under, apprehensive to fight against those waves. 

Gentleness... is hope and hope allows her to stay still, and her body will flow to the tides. Surrender my body and mind-this soul to the movements you cannot control. 

Eventually, she would see the rays of warmth that is the sun and a land peeked with luminous floral patches with lush green fields